somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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