If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
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Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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