i permit you to call me
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
She needs sedatives and a leash
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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