You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
