She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.