Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"