Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
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