she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
