it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
