then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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