I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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