she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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