Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
