You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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