Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
