I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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