And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Randomize
