Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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