If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
