Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
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