I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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