she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
