respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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