can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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