well I can't set my house on fire every night
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Randomize
