God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Found the puke drawer
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
