Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
