I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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