First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
