just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
