Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
