thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
