When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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