I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
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