Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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