Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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