i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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