I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
