and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
