remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
