I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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