I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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