Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
