T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Randomize