After last night, I could never be a politician.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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