just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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