just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Your penis caused this!
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