The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Randomize
