my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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