My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
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what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
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She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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