Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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