She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
