I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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