i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
