Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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