you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
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Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
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And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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