Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
